Two dogs

This morning, after I drove into Meadowlakes headed to work, I came across two little dogs that were running loose in the street. One was a small curly haired dog and the other a chihuahua. I stopped to see if I could help them as did a few other people. Neither dog was wearing any kind of tag and no one around seemed to know who they belonged to so I called R to ask if Meadowlakes had some kind of authority I could report the dogs to. She said there wasn't but I should bring the dogs to her place and she'd keep them safe until their owners could be found. Okay, excellent! I can do that. :)

I opened up the car door and the curly haired dog jumped right in like he'd been born to ride there. The chihuahua was a lot more hesitant. He would come up just out of reach of my hand. When I tried to reach for him, he'd dance away. He would get tantalizingly close to me but wouldn't let me touch him, wouldn't come close enough even, and kept turning and running down the road. Eventually, he ran off down the street in the opposite direction.

Later in the day it struck me that these two dogs represented myself in my recovery journey. The first time I got into recovery, it was because I was afraid of losing my job, my home, my stuff. I knew I was an addict. I knew I belonged in recovery but at that point in my life I wasn't desperate. Well, I was some kind of desperate I suppose. I knew that something had to change or I'd end up in jail and that was the one place I NEVER wanted to go again. But I was like the chihuahua. I got close to recovery. I danced around it. I got tantalizingly close to it but I wasn't ready for it to touch me and I sure as hell wasn't getting in the car with it! Inevitably, I relapsed.

This time, I'm desperate. I'm "Oh shit, the edge of the cliff is right there and this boulder won't stop pushing me over" desperate. This time I've already lost my job. I've come very close to losing my marriage, my home, my security, my life. This time I WANT this. This time I'm the curly haired dog. Someone opened up the car door and I leaped inside. "I'm ready! Let's get this show on the road!"

Finally.