Today I have 43 days clean and sober. 43 days may not sound like much but to me it's a miracle. I didn't think I could get 43 hours a couple months ago. And the way I feel now is exactly the feeling I was chasing with drugs and alcohol. Now that I've cleaned out all the substances, I'm energetic, bubbly, happy. I feel great!
This past weekend I went to an AA conference in Burnet. Friday evening Shawnda and I met up to ride together. It's amazing how two people who appear so different could have so much in common. Talking to her is just so easy because she understands exactly how I feel about most things. Even though we've had such disparate life experiences we are very much on the same page. I'm so glad we met because this whole Texas rehab thing wouldn't have been the same without her. She has a tattoo on her wrist of the world map but didn't have NZ on there and I was giving her a hard time about that. Today she went and got NZ put on there and told me that she's glad it wasn't on there before because it means so much more now. It's just the most amazing feeling to have relationships with people like that now. Before, when I was using and drinking, I didn't connect with anyone. I kept everyone at arms length, even my wife. I had built a barrier between feelings of any kind and myself. It's impossible to connect with anyone when they can't reach you. I've dropped all those walls now and I FEEL! I feel so much! But even the painful feelings are amazing though. I feel so much more alive now than I think I did even when I got sober the last time. I feel alive like only someone who saw their own death can feel. Everything is sweeter.
Anyway, when we got to the conference there were heaps of people I've met since I got here. People who like me and wanted to talk to me. People I wanted to be around. Our first speaker was a woman named Jamie from Witchita Falls. I have a history with Witchita Falls that I will probably talk about later but suffice to say that there was a TON of alcohol involved at that time. Anyway, she was an excellent speaker. She's the mother of five children with two sets of twins! That's just crazy! Her story was quite inspiring and I got a lot out of it. At the end of the evening we had the nightowl meeting which was as usual a lot of fun. Shawnda and I talked all the way back to her car and then finally had to pull ourselves away or we'd have just sat in the car and talked all night.
That night I could hardly sleep at all. I was so wired after an evening spent with people, talking and laughing and having a grand old time. I truly had forgotten how wired I get when I'm with lots of people. This is the feeling I've been chasing! It's so fucked up that I was trying to catch it by getting high and that's the one thing that chases it off. I can never feel this good on drugs or drinking because I don't feel anything. I hope I don't forget that again.
I was up at 6:30am on Saturday morning so I went on into the conference. I thought I'd probably miss the 9am speaker because it was at 9am, lol. I'm glad I made it because Cliff was awesome! He's a lawyer from Oklahoma. His story was quite compelling as well. The next speaker was his wife, Lori, who's in Alanon. I'd not heard the same story from the different sides before. The two of them together made for a compelling story. In between the speakers I got to talk to a lot of people. I'm actually astonished at how many people I've connected with in just the last 43 days. I've made some lasting friendships that I'll take back to NZ with me.
Our afternoon speaker was my favorite, Katherine from Abilene. She was probably the least polished of the bunch but her speaking style was so heartfelt and she had such a vulnerability about her. I really connected with a lot of what she had to say. It's one of the greatest things about AA that we can all come from such different backgrounds and yet have so much in common. I was really into her talk and then afterwards she told me that I had given her some great energy while she spoke. She also covered the most ground of the other speakers. A good recovery speaker should tell you how it was, what happened, and what it's like now. She did all that and hit on the 12 steps and the Promises. She was excellent.
The last two speakers were Vince and Ken. Vince was good. Ken was meh. He spent more time talking about his good works than he did about recovery. I can't really complain though because the whole weekend was a gift.
The nightowl meeting on Saturday was the most special. About halfway through, this couple came in and sat down. Turns out they're from Fort Worth. They'd had a death in the family and were traveling. They were sorely in need of a meeting and just happened to stumble into ours. It was truly a god thing. Her name was Ann and she told me to write down five things I'm grateful for every single day. I'm still trying to get a morning practice habit going so I'll incorporate that into it.
Tonight I played bunco with the ladies and had such a good time! The last time I played I was still drinking. This time I had a clear head and enjoyed myself so much! They all even commented on how much fun I was. This sober life is absolutely amazing and it just gets better every day. I'm so grateful to get to experience it!
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